Sinders rants

rants and other homoerotic stuff

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

.: posted by Sinder (3) comments 8:08 PM

Saturday, October 01, 2005

People often ask me why I spend so much time in whorehouses, adult
bookstores, strip clubs, and X-rated movie theatres. Is it just because I'm
a patron of the arts? Is it because I love meeting my fans, and having them
grind on my lap; or the pleasure of shaking their warm, sticky hands? Well
that's certainly part of the reason.

The whorehouses are strictly business. I like to videotape government
officials in random acts of unspeakable perversity. Not just your Dirty
Sanchez, your Rusty Trombone, or your Angry Pirate, either. I'm talking
about your 3 Fingered Mary, Reverse Epileptic Continental Soldier, and your
Klezmer Playing Ninja, too. I collect these videos and show them at
parties. Plus, you never know when they might come in handy.

As for my other haunts, the truth of the matter is I have a deep and abiding
hatred of children. Now, you may remember several months ago I did a rant asking people to stop having children. But it didn't really address what to do about the ones that are already here.

Here is my 5 point plan for dealing with children. Children are defined as
anyone below the age of 12. Exceptions are made for girls 10 and above who
bloomed early.

1. There should be a mandatory curfew for children. They should only be
allowed in public from 3-5pm Monday-Friday; and 11am -6pm on the weekend.
While they are in public, the parents are responsible for having some way to
entertain them. A portable DVD player with earphones is great. Any clear
plastic bag is an economical alternative. Don't give your child a noisy
handheld video game: it's like handing the child a drum or a fistful of
fireworks. While, I have no problem with you giving your child a fistful of
fireworks, I just ask that you do it at home.

2. One child is allowed in public per adult supervisor. No more field
trips, no more haggard women towing 5 screaming kids through the mall. If
you're pregnant that counts as your 1 kid.

3. Children are not allowed in movie theatres, or restaurants. The only
exceptions being themed restaurants, fast food joints, G-rated movies, or
anything with Sandra Bullock.

4. Children in public need to be drugged to make them quiet and compliant.
Parents who do not want to drug their children must physically restrain
them. They need to be muzzled, and strapped down to handcarts; sort of like
how they used to wheel Hannibal Lecter around in, "Silence of the Lambs".

5. Children not restrained (see above) will be equipped with leashes and
shock collars. The controls for the shock collars will be publicly
available. Anyone seeing a misbehaving child will have the ability to
activate the shock collars.

Parents and children unwilling to follow these rules will be sent to labor
camps where they will sew t-shirts, or build shock collars and handcarts.
The other option for parents who don't want to follow these rules is to
leave their children at home when they go out. That's why God made TV, and
books of matches.

So in closing, please write to your congressman, representative, or local
warlord, and tell them you want them to endorse the Sinder Childcare
Act of 2005. If they refuse, tell them you know all about the videotape.
You don't need to be specific; they'll know what you're talking about.

Moving on to smaller and less important topocs, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher got married over the weekend in a Kabbalah ceremony. Too many jokes... can't... narrow it down... brain is exploding.

Peace de Resistance! Viva la Paper towels!

.: posted by Sinder (0) comments 10:11 AM

Monday, September 19, 2005

Kanye West said that President Bush doesn't care about black people. I
think this was an incredibly insensitive statement. It was especially
hurtful to the hundreds of millions of other people the President doesn't
care about.

Oprah Winfrey is a close personal friend of mine. We've shared a lot of laughs, a lot of tears, and a lot of the same cock. One time we strapped on 12 inch studded dildos and double teamed Jamie Foxx.I like to think we were the inspiration for all that, "hey ho" screaming he did at the last round of award shows. And when he ate a quart of mayonnaise out of Oprah's ass and came up smiling? Well, they should have given him the Oscar just for that.

Recently, Oprah brought her Team Angel Relief bus to the casting offices of
The Surreal Life and Celebrity Fit Club, shanghaied a group of B-List
celebrities; and brought them down to New Orleans to help out with the
relief effort. Due to my close personal relationship with Oprah, I have
some exclusive stories from her trip.

One of these celebrities she took with her was Matthew McConaughey.
McConaughey is best known for playing his bongos naked, and not being
Matthew Modine. McConaughey said, "I understand the suffering these people
are going through. On the set of my movie, "Sahara," I had to listen to
PenÃ©lope Cruz go on and on about her milky vaginal discharge. Although with
that accent it did sound kind of sexy. Plus, this one time on Celebrity
Fear Factor, I had to eat a bug."

Another one of the celebrities Oprah brought along was Lisa Ling. Ling
topped People magazine's 50 most consistently annoying people on the planet
list for the second year in a row. Ling dazzled the local officials with
hard hitting questions like "Hey, where did all this water come from?",
"What happened to Old Orleans?", and "Can you recommend a good place for
brunch?" Ling proved to be a big hit with the refugees when she and
McConaughey did an impromptu rendition of the dirty Vietnamese hooker scene
from his last hit "Full Metal Jacket".

Chris Rock helped to staff a food bank in Houston. He was almost beaten to
death with a brick of cheese shortly after starting his usually popular, "I
love black people, but I hate niggers" routine. Afterwards, several men in
the crowd "reassigned" him from handing out sandwiches, and instead put him
in charge of tossing their salads.

Oprah Winfrey went down to the devastated area accompanied by truckloads of
food. The evacuees were devastated to learn that the trucks merely
contained Oprah's breakfast.

At one point, Oprah tried to show solidarity with the refugees by sticking
one of her enormous sausage legs into the flooded street. Water levels
instantly rose 3 feet across New Orleans. Fortunately for everyone
concerned, Stedman was able to coax her back into her bus by leaving a
drippy trail of nachos up the stairs.

There have been many significant pledges. Diddy and Jay-Z jointly pledged 1
million dollars. Not to be outdone by black people, the exceptionally white
Nicolas Cage and Celine Dion both pledged a million dollars a piece. But
the most appreciated pledge so far came from local hero Harry Connick Jr.,
who has pledged to give up any more attempts at acting.

When pharmaceuticals were in short supply, Courtney Love donated the
contents of her purse. It proved to be enough to keep all of the hospitals
going for another week. "If that's not enough," she said, "There is a condom
full of heroin lodged in my colon."

People have made a lot of noise about my hero Sean Penn. They say that his
visit to New Orleans was nothing but a publicity stunt. Penn has been
widely criticized for coming to New Orleans with a personal photographer and
a leaky boat. Critics say that he's an arrogant, egomaniacal,
self-righteous douchebag. When in actuality, Penn claims his visit was
research for a new movie role. In the film, Penn plays an arrogant,
egomaniacal, self-righteous douchebag.

As a final gesture, Oprah donated a pair of panties that was quickly cut up
to provide blankets for over 10,000 evacuees. The mayor of New Orleans was
slightly incensed by the donation. "I asked her if we could just borrow one
of her old diaphragms and she refused." he said. "Now I don't know what
we'll do until we can get a new roof on the Superdome."

.: posted by Sinder (1) comments 2:33 PM

Monday, September 05, 2005

Early man had little choice when he wanted entertainment. He would
basically sit in the entrance of his cave, jerk off, and watch his
neighbors.

If he waited long enough, hopefully he would catch a glimpse of them doing it with
their mate, beating their children, or getting eaten by a dinosaur. If he
was lucky, he would get to see all three. If he was really lucky: all three
at once. You would think our entertainment choices would have evolved right
along with us. I say if anything they have gotten worse.

People today enjoy the circus. The Romans invented them. But not pussy
circuses like we have. They were designed as an alternative to watching
your neighbors. Action was guaranteed. Every show they had lions eating
people. Every show was followed by an orgy. In modern times, you're lucky
if a lion eats even a couple people when you go to the circus. Sure, the
modern circus is always good for an elephant trampling, but that's really
more of a tease than a main event. And maybe you'll find a horny midget or
a licentious acrobat to eat your ass at intermission if you're lucky, and
you keep your ass spotless.

In spite of this, most modern circuses still manage to deliver a modicum of
entertainment. But now there are more and more circuses without any
animals. Crazy, dirty French circuses made up entirely of pretentious
acrobatic clowns. These clowns rarely eat members of the audience and
they are insufferably rude if you even dare suggest they fondle your
buttocks or twist a nipple. As if we needed another reason to hate
the French, or clowns.

Around the 1700's man invented television. Of course these early
televisions were made of wood and there were probably only 3 or 4 channels,
with one of them being devoted entirely to churning butter. In the
twentieth century we have cable television. There are over 5000 channels.
They still have the channel devoted to churning butter, but now they also
run it in Spanish. The Spanish version is way better because the butter
churner has enormous tits. Sometimes Erik Estrada shows up to chase her
around the butter churn wearing only a bonnet, a bow tie, and a pair of high
heels.

We all know that modern network television is highly regulated and censored.
We expect it to be creamy soft serve dog shit in a cardboard cup. Basic
cable is also a wasteland. Basic cable is divided between crappy low budget
decorating shows, tedious wildlife shows, and that show where they build
motorcycles. The motorcycle show, which used to be one of my favorites, is
now just one big product placement opportunity for whatever corrupt
corporation dumps a mountain of cash on these, 'rebel' bike builders/cheap
corporate whores.

Premium cable television is no better. They've hired all of the writers
away from basic cable and network television and then they never put out any
new shows. There is one new episode of the Sopranos every 3 years. The
new season is going to open with A.J. getting a colostomy bag and moving
into a retirement home.

And what has basic cable and network television done now that they don't
have any writers? They've switched to Reality Programs. What are Reality
Programs? Cameras follow people around as they go about their day. Does
this sound familiar? You're just sitting in the mouth of the cave watching
your neighbors. We're back where we started, except this time there is no
chance a dinosaur will show up and disembowel Bobby Brown. And that's a
shame.

Word on the street is that Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore are trying to have a
baby. Demi has 3 children with former husband Bruce Willis: Rumer, Scout
LaRue, and Tallulah Belle. If the new child is a girl, she plans on naming
her Doorknob Underpants; and if it's a boy, Kick My Ass And Take My Lunch
Money. As for why they're having a child, Kutcher is said to be desperate
for an intellectual and emotional equal; while Demi is just looking for
someone new, and younger to bang.

It's time to go back to school, and if you have any lingering doubts
about it, I say stay home. Everything you need to know in life, you can
learn from reading this blog. You can buy a ton of crack with
that tuition money. The choice is yours.

.: posted by Sinder (0) comments 7:23 PM

Sunday, August 14, 2005

song of the week thingy...................whatever

Suicide Is Painless

Performed by: Manic Street Preachers

Through early morning for I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realise that I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card of some delay
So this is all I have to say

That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please

The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works it’s way on in
The pain grows stronger watch It bring

That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied oh why ask me

That suicide is painless
It brings so many changes
And I can take or leave them if I please

.: posted by Sinder (0) comments 11:39 PM

Friday, August 05, 2005

[Why the hell would you do that?]

If you don't know what I mean by the title, hurry up and finish "The Half Blood Prince"...or just read a head

DUMBLEDOR GETS WHACKED!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so you're probably wondering, or laughing, or crying, but probably still
wondering why would I reveal the ending to the new Harry Potter book?

It's quite simple I did it for you. Reading Harry Potter promotes
childhood obesity. It promotes eyestrain. You could get a paper cut or
drop the book on your toe, develop a blister that gets infected, and die

Harry Potter promotes racism. Not only are there no African Americans at
Hogwarts, there are no American Americans! Who wants to read a book that
doesn't have Americans in it? That's like having a war without Americans in
it. The book promises no hot girl on girl action. Yes, there are pictures,
which is important in a book. But there are no pictures of the
aforementioned hot girl on girl action so really, what is the point? And
witchcraft isn't something you learn in school. School is a place to sleep,
and buy drugs. Witchcraft is only taught naked in the woods with plenty of
booze and animal sacrifices. Or is that Scrabble? Maybe that was Stacey
Schneider's Bat Mitzvah. To be honest my childhood is a bit of a blur once
I started chasing my Ritalin with Jack and Cokes.

There are other more serious consequences to reading Harry Potter. Just
imagine this scenario.

You: I just finished reading, "The Half Blood Prince". When Dumbledore got
killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You cried when you read, "The Half Blood
Prince"? I'm going to beat you into a bloody pulp with this claw hammer.

You: (Trembling) "Petrificus Totalus!"

Since you can't actually cast spells, you get the snot beaten out of you.

But thanks to me, there is an entirely new scenario:

You: I just finished reading Sinders Rants. When I read the
part where they reveal that Dumbledore gets killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You read Sinders Rants? You are
so awesome. Do you want to come to my house and watch me finger my sister?

You: Yes. Yes I do.

But the worst possible scenario after reading a Harry Potter book is that
you might actually develop a love of reading. Pretty soon you'd be reading
other books, maybe even a newspaper? You would start to become educated,
and informed. You would begin to think for yourself and form your own
opinions. We can't have that. Go play Grand Theft Auto. Install the Hot
Coffee mod. If you install it in Donkey Kong you can watch Mario fuck Luigi
in the ass. So in closing, there's no need to thank me. I'm here to help.

I know you're done reading because your lips have stopped moving. Go back
to your boring existence.

PEACE

.: posted by Sinder (0) comments 1:59 PM

Thursday, July 21, 2005

You may have a hard time believing this, but I have an excellent
relationship with God. I know you probably think I'm an atheist, but
nothing could be further from the truth. I love God. If God was here right
now I'd suck his big divine dick.(I'm a woman.....sort of, so fuck you gay haters.)

See, the problem with most people is they have no idea how to have a
relationship with God. That's because they're caught up in the infinite,
the indefinable. Or worse, you've been listening to your minister, priest,
rabbi, or mullah. These people are not experts on God. They may know
about pedophilia, embezzlement, where to buy lean pastrami and/or bomb
making supplies but they don't know shit about the Lord.

You need to think of God in human terms. Instead of worrying about your
relationship with God, imagine you're trying to have a relationship with
Charlie Sheen. Why Charlie Sheen? Because like God, most people wish they
had a better relationship with Charlie Sheen. Like Jesus, Charlie Sheen
hangs out with a lot of prostitutes and has great hair.

The first step in improving your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to
stop asking him for stuff. Sure he's got tons of cool stuff, and probably
wouldn't miss it. He's fucking Denise Richards in the ass and all you want
is enough money to buy a new toaster. Well unfortunately, Charlie has that
money earmarked for nipple waxing and crack so he's not going to just hand
it over. Like God, Charlie gets requests from people he doesn't know all of
the time. Even if he did know you, he can't just hand you everything you
want. That would make God OJ Simpson and you would be Kato Kaelin. Do
you want God to be OJ Simpson? I didn't think so. Are you starting to
understand how God works?

The second thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen
is to stop holding him responsible for things that you did, or didn't do.
Nothing is more annoying to Him then you saying, "If I don't get that job,
it was because Charlie Sheen didn't want me to get it." or "Charlie Sheen
will get me out of this speeding ticket, even though I'm shit faced on
Percocet, Crestor, and Peach Schnapps." I'm not saying Charlie will never
help you, but you really need to take some personal responsibility.
"Charlie Sheen wants me to beat up this prostitute. After all, did he not
shoot Kelly Preston?" Believe me Charlie Sheen probably does want you to
beat up that prostitute, but you're still the one holding the sock full of
nickels.

The third thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is
to stop talking shit about him. Don't be bragging about how well you know
Him, and how everyone else should get to know Him. Your relationship with
Him is not special. Plus, Charlie Sheen has more friends than he knows what
to do with. If other people want a relationship with Charlie Sheen they
only need to go to the nearest topless club.

The fourth thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen
is to stop going to his house. Would you want someone coming over your
house every Sunday? Even though you're going there to praise Him, it's all
a little much. Plus, look at the douchebags all around you. They're not
really friends of Him. They all just want stuff, or want to blame Him for
stuff. You don't need to be associated with these people.

Finally, stop questioning everything he does. He has done good things like
"Wall Street" and "Hot Shots!" I and II. And yet, he has also done "Men at
Work" and "Two and a Half Men"? He broke up with porn star Ginger Lynn.
Some things he does are beyond our human comprehension

Try being a good friend to Him for a change. That way when you die, you can
go live with Him in Malibu. I hope you take comfort in that. Next time
I'll explain why loving the Devil is like a giving Paula Abdul an Angry Dragon

Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. That should keep you busy.